tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
i've created a new STD.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
