I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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