i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
