the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
