I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
