U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
