I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
