Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
