Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
