He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
