i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
