peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
