My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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