Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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