I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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