Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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