The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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