Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
