So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
