He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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