So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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