cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
