he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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