Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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