I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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