got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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