quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
