is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
