Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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