bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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