I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
a search helicopter?!
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
