ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish you could order shots online.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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