Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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