genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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