i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
