I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
