i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
