my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
