Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
