I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
