yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
