the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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