did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
