you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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