I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
