I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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