Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
