I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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