there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
