mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
